Hi all! Hope everyone has had a wonderful spring so far. I wanted to do this next blog about the effects infertility has on Mental Health. This week is Infertility Awareness week and for those of us who suffer from infertility, it’s the one week we feel it’s ok to show who we are right now and how we feel. What makes me sad is that we only get one week. Why is infertility awareness not an awareness people have every day? Why is this something that is so hidden from the world and something we suffer in silence? So many people don’t understand the effect infertility or pregnancy loss has on a person and I’d like to think I’m doing my part to change that.
Trying to grow your family is so exciting in the beginning. There is so much love, such a strong connection between you and your spouse and so much hope for the future. You think it’s just going to happen. That’s because, right from the start of learning sex ed and going on throughout your life, you are told “sex leads to pregnancy, pregnancy leads to a baby”. And this is drilled into our heads. No one tells you that this isn’t actually the case. No one tells you that they are just telling you this to scare you out of having sex. No one tells you that this is not true for everyone and that many people take a while to become pregnant. No one tells you how common infertility and pregnancy loss are. No one prepares you for what’s to come after you’re beyond the “beginning” of trying for a family. No one prepares you for the loss of your baby. No one tells you it’s ok to grieve, to talk about what’s going on and that none of this is your fault.
Why is this something that is not talked about? We were a few months into trying when we had our second miscarriage. Right from that moment, all I could do was think – What’s wrong with me? But I tried to move on from it and remain positive. I mean, that’s all everyone tells you right? “STAY POSITIVE”. To be quite honest, I’d be ok never hearing that term again. But, I still tried to do just that. Then when the dr’s became worried that we had not had a successful pregnancy so far, I became worried. Then we were being told to track every part of my cycle, take home ovulation tests, change our diets, take prenatal vitamins, don’t do this, don’t do that. It soon becomes an obsession. Your whole life becomes revolved around every aspect of your cycle. It has to because everything going forward is perfectly timed. Once you go down that rabbit hole, you can’t come back out. Not until you have what you are trying so desperately to get. It is completely and utterly exhausting!
Every day is a constant battle between the depression, the obsession, the anxiety, the worry, the sadness, the anger, the jealousy and the hurt, all while trying to put a smile on your face and being positive and happy. All while hiding everything you feel from the world because that’s what you’re supposed to do. We come from generations that believe that you deal with your problems on your own, you don’t talk about your problems and you don’t ask people about theirs. Yet all I want to do when I have this smile on my face is yell at those around me as ask, how do you not see me? How do you not see I’m drowning in this world around me? I’ve been told that I am no longer myself, that I am withdrawn. What they don’t realize is if I relax, if I let go, I might just lose it and cry or scream or maybe even do both. Maybe do more. There is so much pent up inside me at all times that I feel I could explode. Everything could just come flowing out at once.
When going through any sort of life struggle like this, you become angry at the world, angry at those who are able to have what you can’t have and asking “why not me?” Jealous of those who have what you want. Then guilty for feeling that anger and jealousy because you know it’s not who you are and those around you don’t deserve it. It’s anxiety and worry that what you have been trying so hard for, what you have committed your life to, won’t happen. It’s hurting for the life you could have, grief and sadness for what you’ve lost, hurting for the family you can’t seem to provide to you and your spouse. It’s worrying what your life will be like if this doesn’t work out. It’s wondering every day, what is wrong with me? Why am I broken? Why am I such a failure? Why can’t my body do the one thing it was created to do? What have I done so wrong in my life to deserve this? It’s wondering how much more you can go through before there is nothing left to give.
I’ve been told when I try to explain how I feel, that others in the world have it so much worse than I do. I’ve been told I need to just move on with my life. Now that we are at the point where IVF is the only option and it’s not something we can afford on our own, some have already given up on us. It makes me laugh when I’m told I’m withdrawn and makes me want to have the ability to replay previous conversations where the person telling me this has also made me feel as though my feelings are not valid and don’t want to listen to me. They don’t want to actually be there for me. I’ve been judged and been made to feel as though I’m overreacting, that I have no right to feel how I do. Been told not to talk about what we are going through because it’s sad.
Why is any of this ok? How is it fair to ask someone to suffer through this alone? Everything becomes so lonely. And I know what you’re thinking, how can my life be lonely when I’m married right? Well, it’s because my husband is going through this too. There is only so much we can lean on each other for this as we are going through it in different ways. There is only so much we can put on each other before it becomes overwhelming. But that’s when you are supposed to rely on those around you right? So why does that not happen? We have not had many people actually be there for us. Not many who reach out to just say – How are you? How are you feeling? And they just sit there and listen. Most people don’t do this in any situation. It makes them uncomfortable, they don’t know what to say and will actually change the subject if they know this is the direction this conversation is going to take. So, I simply just don’t really talk to many people anymore. There is no point in it when what I need to talk about, is not deemed ok to talk about.
People often ask why is there a point in asking someone about their problems if there is nothing they can do to help. Well my answer is this- because you can help! Everyone has gone through something in their life, some sort of heartache, struggle, life change, something that makes you think about your life and where it’s heading. Everyone has experienced anger, sadness, jealousy, happiness, joy, anxiety, obsession or any number of other emotions, about something going on in their life. Just because you may not have gone through the same situation as someone else, you can at least relate to some of their feelings in one way or another. You can provide support. You can listen. You can just simply be there.
So, my question for you is, what are you going to do to change this? And I’m not just simply talking about just for someone going through infertility or pregnancy loss. I’m talking about anyone going through any sort of crisis or loss or mental health struggle or any struggle in life. This whole thing applies to anyone in any sort of situation that causes a disruption in a person’s life. If there is one thing I ask you to do, is to reach out to 1 person in your life who you either know or suspect is going through a hard time and ask them how they are. When they tell you they are “fine”, say “no, how are you really?” and then just sit there and listen. Sometimes, that’s all someone needs, to talk, to cry, to be angry, to just have someone listen. And it’s ok if you feel these emotions too. If anything, it allows you to have a better connection to that person, it allows that person to know they are truly not alone. That’s what people need- love, kindness and support. If you can give that to just 1 person today, I bet you will have no idea how much you just changed their life. Maybe it changed yours too. Would that be such a bad thing?
Until next time,
M
Hope, Stirrups and Rainbows 