Hi All,
Been a little bit since my last post, but alas, with nice weather comes a busy life. And to be quite honest, I wasn’t quite sure what to make my next post about. So while waiting for inspiration to strike, I busied myself with other things. Lucky for you, the inspiration came to me recently. After some conversations with some of the people in my life, some trying to understand, some telling me to seek out therapy, some acting like what we are going through is no big deal, and some just sort of blowing me off, I decided to write a little bit more about this all encompassing world of infertility. And when I say all encompassing, I mean, it takes over your entire life in every possible way it can.
While speaking with a friend recently, we were discussing the fact that David and I are still trying to raise money and save as much as we can for IVF. I mentioned how it is nice in a way to have a lot of the stress that we had been under, gone. When asked what I meant, it made me realize that most people don’t realize what actually goes into trying for a baby when you are no longer successful with just simply having sex. It becomes so much more than that. So here is a little bit more of a behind the scenes of what it takes to try to become pregnant when sex is no longer working on it’s own.
About 7 months into trying on our own, I decided to meet with my OBGYN to get recommendations of what else we can do to try to become pregnant and not lose it. Little did I know that having this one appointment was going to pretty much turn our lives upside down. Due to having Endometriosis, PCOS and having lost 2 pregnancies at that point, it was believed that starting the diagnostic testing for infertility would be best. First step, pelvic ultrasound and blood work. Fast forward 2 weeks from there and the world shut down due to COVID. So while waiting for the world to start moving again, we were told to start tracking my cycles and symptoms, testing for ovulation, timing sex and increasing vitamin D and iron, eat healthier, exercise more, try natural things. Sounds simple right? We thought so too.
It didn’t take long for us to realize that our lives would now be completely revolved around my cycle. Any plans we made, we had to look ahead at the calendar to make sure we wouldn’t be interrupting our time to “try”. About a week into my cycle, I was every day, twice a day until I hit my peak – this is the peak of hormones right before ovulation. I had to make sure I was taking my vitamins religiously, eating more vegetables and fruits, not eating too much sugar, reduce my caffeine intake, watch my weight. Relax, but not too much. Exercise, but not too much. Treat my body as though I’m pregnant in the last 2 weeks of my cycle, so no heavy lifting, no stress, cut out certain foods. It wasn’t long before it became a little overwhelming and learning to get into a new routine.
About 6 months into the pandemic, we were able to start the diagnostic testing for infertility. By this time, we had had our third miscarriage. So we hoped this would be the start of something good. Cycle 1 was going into the doctor’s office about twice a week, sometimes more, for blood work and ultrasounds. Any woman who has had a pelvic ultrasound done, knows they are not the most comfortable thing in the world. Next cycle was the HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). This is when they use the ultrasound wand to get a look at the uterus and ovaries while inserting a catheter through the cervix and pushing saline bubbles into each fallopian tube and uterus to check for blockages, make sure the tubes are open and that there are not abnormalities within the uterus. Out of all the testing, poking and prodding I have had done in the last 3 years, for me, this was the worst of them all. They had to do my right fallopian tube twice as they couldn’t get the bubbles through the first time. I had done some research prior to this test and many women had no issues with it. So please, if you ever have to get this done, please don’t use my experience as a reference. I thought it was my because my cervix is sensitive and assumed the rest of me was too but, with having seen other doctors later on who also needed to go through my cervix for the IUI’s (intrauterine insemination), I’ve realized the issue was also the doctor. Needless to say, that after this experience as well as some other things that had gone on before and after, I decided not to return to that office.
We decided to continue trying on our own again for a while and try the natural things that were suggested as well as other things I had done some research on. I tried red raspberry leaf tea, this helps to soften and open the cervix. Seed cycling, this is eating different seeds/nuts through the cycle and helps with hormone balancing. Yoga, fertility massage and reiki. PreSeed, this helps to get as much of the sperm through the cervix. No NSAIDS, such as ibuprofen or any sort of anti-inflammatory. No excessive heat, this meant no more weekly bubble baths. Increase water intake. Still tracked every day of my cycle. I used a few different apps for this, but found that I like Ovia the best. Still tested for ovulation and times sex. We did everything we could to just try and make this work.
Soon, it becomes an obsession. Searching every blog you can to see what other people tried, what worked for them and what didn’t. After our 4th miscarriage, David told me that all of this was starting to feel more like a job instead of trying to start our family. That hit a little hard and was not an easy pill to swallow and I realized just how much this was all affecting our life. I decided then to see a new doctor at a new practice and see what we could do. I met with the new doctor who wanted to get right into doing IUI. David had to do a semen analysis first, which came back normal, so this had not been an issue. Next cycle, we were able to start our first round of IUI. This one I did without meds as we had gotten pregnant previously, so he doctor thought we would have luck without the meds. This involved more home ovulation tests and our lives being put on hold for 2 weeks until I tested positive for my peak and had to plan on being in the doctor’s office within 24 hours. Each appointment was about 2 hours long. We ended up doing a total of 5 IUI’s. We did 2 with no meds, 2 with a med called Letrozole and 1 with Clomid.
Due to my ovulation falling on Thanksgiving, that IUI had been canceled, but I still was on Clomid. Unfortunately, my body did not react well to the Clomid and my next cycle started 2 weeks early. My OBGYN put me on Clomid for that cycle, but I didn’t ovulate, ended up with a cyst on my left ovary that was double the size of the ovary itself and that cycle lasted 68 days. This of course put my body through hell and really bummed me out as both meds I had tried are typically very successful and most women have no issues while taking it. For me, unfortunately, it caused me to gain 10lbs, caused me to have Hyperstimulation, extreme pain and bloating during ovulation to where I looked 5 months pregnant and changed my cycles after ending the medication and just didn’t put me in a good state of mind.
After all of this, is when we were told that IVf would now be our only option. For a little while, this was not easy to hear. It made me feel like everything we had done, everything my body had gone through, everything we put our marriage through, had been for nothing. The thousands of dollars we’ve already spent, had been for nothing. Nothing we did worked. I had had so many ultrasounds, pelvic exams and so many doctors all up in my business to where “privacy” was no longer a thing. Trust me, going through anything like this, being shy is no longer an option. Looking back on the last 3 years, I wonder how we even made it through. I wonder how I didn’t lose my mind. I did recently have to be put on antidepressants, which at first I thought was a failure on my part. But after having an extensive talk with my OBGYN, he reminded me that myself and my body have been through a lot. I had been feeling broken and lost. And even though there had been a lot less stress lately while we wait to do IVF, everything has sort of caught up with me. As my OBGYN said, I’m not busying myself with trying to get pregnant, I’m no longer obsessing over it, so everything that I’ve been suppressing for the last 3 years is now coming to the surface and is too much. I had to remind myself that it’s ok to not be ok. I needed to remind myself that this is not my life, that this does not define who I am and that I cannot continue to allow this to take control of my life and my marriage. I had to remind myself that everything we’ve been through has not been for nothing. Instead of it feeling like it was a waste of time and a waste of putting hell on my body, I had to remind myself that we did everything we could, that us not having a baby yet, isn’t for lack of trying. It isn’t for lack of giving our lives and ourselves, to having a baby.
It is heartbreaking to know that there is only one more option and if that doesn’t work, then that’s it. But, I’m not ready to give up yet. After a lot of reflection the last few months, I’ve decided to take this on with a different approach and different mind set. It may take time to get to the point where we can do IVF as it’s not exactly easy coming up with $20,000+. But we will get there. Our turn is coming!
I know I’ve said it before, but please be kind to those around you. Someone could be going through the hardest time of their life and a little kindness goes so much farther than you know.
Talk soon friends!
M
Hope, Stirrups and Rainbows 