Our story

Hi all! My name is Michelle, my husband’s name is David and we have been together going on 8 years. I chose the title Hope, Stirrups and Rainbows in hopes that it allows for a good representation of what my blog will be about. Hope – because that is all we can do at this time, hope for our future, hope for the outcome we dream of and hope we can make it through to the end. Stirrups – because well, I have been in more stirrups over the last 3 years than I could ever possibly imagine and it’s now become a part of my life. And Rainbows as we hope every day to finally have our rainbow baby. It will be our 5th pregnancy and potentially the last. So all we can do at this point is hope that rainbow appears.

I want to start out my blog with a run down of our experience with infertility so far. We have unfortunately had to start a GoFundMe page to help raise money for IVF and as I’ve had a few people reach out wanting to know more of our story, I figured this would be the best way to do that. But, if anything, I hope this blog allows others to realize there are other people out there going through the same thing. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS! I know full well how lonely and isolating this can feel, like you are the only one. It’s certainly hard when those around you haven’t experienced it or don’t talk about it if they have. Trust me, this is something I want to address another time. But to start, I am going to tell our story, so far. 

In 2017, we experienced our first miscarriage. Though, to be honest, I should say that I did. I wasn’t aware for a while that I was pregnant. I had an IUD, so had no reason to believe I was. We had also just lost my David’s grandmother recently so the nausea and just simply not feeling well, I attributed to this and all my hours I was putting in at work. After some time of the symptoms not going away, simply getting worse and my sudden aversion to coffee (those who know me, know this is a big sign something is wrong) I decided to take a home test. It came back positive. I reached out to my primary care who was going to schedule an ultrasound for me to confirm. I chose not to tell David yet because I wanted to be sure. No one knew yet except my doctor. One and a half weeks later, I wished more than anything that I had told him. I woke up on a Friday morning in June with the worst cramping I had ever felt. I had had ovarian cysts over the years that had ruptured, but those had nothing on this. I googled and found that some pain can be normal. When the bleeding started, I knew something was wrong. I called out of work and called my doctor. I was having a miscarriage. Even though the doctor told me what to expect, I was not prepared at all for what chances my body would go through for the next couple weeks. I was not prepared for the absolute devastation I was feeling. 

I wasn’t sure what to do or what to say to David. How do you tell the man you love, hey, I was pregnant yesterday, but now I’m not. The doctor figured that based on my symptoms and how long I had had them, that I was about 8-10 weeks along. I went to work that following Monday, but when I told my boss at the time what I was going through, that person told me that I would be fine, it happens all the time and I’d be able to move on from it. This was my first experience with how most people handle news of a miscarriage. So I continued to go on through it on my own. Which I soon learned when I started a new job, that this is not how it should be. I soon realized that there is support out there waiting for you.

Fast forward to June 2018, I had my IUD removed, which was a horrific experience and caused an infection, but we wanted to start trying for a family in the next year or so. We got married in October that year and were so excited for what the future would bring. In August of 2019, I came off the pill and we started trying for our family. A few months later in December, we had a positive test. I felt this one, I could tell you the exact day it implanted based on the pain and spotting I had. I just knew and there was an instant connection. It was finally happening. I reached out to my primary care as I had a fear of another miscarriage. I just wanted to be sure everything would be ok. I thought it was odd that being so early in the pregnancy, that I would already have an aversion to coffee and have morning sickness. A week later, I had blood work done that showed we’d lost this one too. It was labeled as a “chemical pregnancy”. Meaning it’s lost prior to 8 weeks and can be caused for many reasons. It could’ve implanted in the wrong spot, there could’ve been a problem with the baby and/or it’s development, or another one of the thousands of possible other reasons. One of the worst parts is not knowing why. And I thought, I’d been through this before, so I’m prepared for this. Boy was I wrong. You don’t realize how much the body changes as soon as you become pregnant. So, you don’t realize how much the body has to change back once that pregnancy is gone. 

I started seeing an OBGYN a few months later when we were still having no luck getting pregnant again. That doctor figured that with my diagnosis of Endometriosis and possible PCOS, it would be ok to start with their infertility program. Less than a week before my consultation, everything shut down due to COVID. Now we had to wait. That June, we got pregnant again, but it was the same thing. We lost it before getting to 8 weeks. Finally a month later, we were able to start with the infertility program. I went through the first month of timed blood work and ultrasounds, then the Hysterosalpingography(HSG). We weren’t able to go any farther than that as the next step was a semen analysis and we just couldn’t afford it out of pocket as David had no insurance. We decided to continue trying on our own. 

In April 2021, we had another loss. Same as the last 2. We were devastated and decided it was time to get answers. We scheduled an appointment with another infertility clinic and 2 months later, were finally able to make a plan. We were able to do the analysis, which to David’s great happiness, was perfectly normal. This allowed us to start right in on doing Intrauterine Insemination(IUI). We did 2 rounds with no meds, the next round I was on a med called Letrozole. Then did 2 more rounds with a different med called Clomid. Let me tell you, Clomid was not kind to me. I will touch on this when I do a post about doing IUI and the meds that go along with it, but it caused a 10lb weight gain, a cyst on my left ovary that was double the size of my ovary and had 1 cycle last 68 days without being pregnant. 

In February, I had another appointment with the doctor where he told me we would not be going forward with any additional treatments. He said that if doing IUI was going to work, it would’ve done so in the last 5 that we did. He said that IVF was our only option and there was nothing more he could do. A couple weeks ago, we had our consultation with the IVF clinic which left us hopeful as well as scared. Scared that when we heard from the financial person the next day, that we would find IVF was not going to be possible. This doctor as well as the last believe the cause of our issues and losses is due to the pelvic infection I got from my IUD removal. They said that there may be scarring in or around my fallopian tubes which would cause the babies to not be able to travel where they are supposed to go and are implanting in the wrong spot or not when they are supposed to. The only way to bypass this is to do IVF. The day after the appointment, we found out that it’s going to cost us at least $20,000 for everything – the IVF itself, the meds, the freezing of any additional embryos that are left, the storage fee for those frozen embryos, as well as other fees for genetic testing and ICSI. All of this needs to be paid in full prior to starting any of the treatment and our insurance policies don’t cover a single penny. 

So here we are now. Stuck with not knowing what our future entails and our lives on hold. Feeling guilty for spending money on anything. Feeling guilty for having to ask others for help as it’s something we should be able to do on our own. I mean, it’s our baby right? Why should others help. But now knowing that this is our absolute only option, our only way of having a family, we feel desperate to do anything to make our dream of having a family come true. Hopefully one day, we can pay it forward and help someone else who is struggling. Help someone else to know they are not alone and there is a whole support system out there for them, people rooting them on. Maybe, we can give someone else a little more hope for their dreams of a family to come true too. 

I will leave you with this – please, please, if there is anyone out there you know who is struggling with infertility or just struggling with anything in life, please be supportive. Let them know you are there for them. Listen to them and cheer them on to get through this struggle. Be kind! Be kind to all. 

Have a wonderful Easter weekend all

M

https://gofund.me/e57ac322